At the end of the month, I'm turning twenty four. What's funny is that in my head, I'm still that confused 17 years-old teenager partying hard and aching hard at the same time. My highschool years and early uni years are still pretty fresh in my memory and yet, time flies. The best time of my life started when I was 14, and it was freaking ten years ago. It makes me feel so old. I can still picture myself going to the movies or to the mall with my best friends, telling kinky jokes and talking about boys and what we thought was sex. I still listen with nostalgy and love to my favourite rock bands and girly songs. I still own some of the edgy emo clothes I wore back then. I'm still friends with many of my highschool fellas. I remember all the wild things I did back then: crashing parties, getting drunk in the street in broad day light, stealing my father's alcohol, drinking before class, sneaking out or in my bedroom, kissing random strangers, cheering at friends' concerts, being disrespectful to teachers, breaking into a public swimming pool at night, helping organising what was our very own Project X, throwing up on New Year's Eve at 1am, skiing drunk (yes, many of these wild memories involve alcohol abuse), dying my hair pink and then blue, piercing my own ears with a needle, a lighter and an ice-cube, getting a tattoo without my parents' consent, shouting song lyrics in the streets, wearing cat ears, climbing up to the top of a snow-covered building, stealing desert in the kitchen of my summer camp at night... I'm sure I'm missing a lot. But I had a really wild time the past ten years. It surely was a damn emotional rollercoaster but I wouldn't trade these experiences for anything. They led me to where I am today. And I think I'm kind of in a right place. It definitely could have been worse. These experiences also made the woman I am today (I won't say I'm a grown up because, fuck, I'm not). But who am I really ?
I don't know how to say "no"
Growing up, I would always hide behind my big sis' to make big decisions, which often meant to say "no". And it led me to pretty embarassing places. And when we grew appart, I couldn't make big decisions on my own which means say "no" as well. And when you try to be an adult, being unable to say "no" is a real pain in the ass. I am always scared to bring drama if I say "no" or to hurt people. And it always ends up with me being hurt and people getting what they fucking want.
I don't know what to do with my life
If I'd listen to myself, I swear I could binge watch TV shows and buy clothes for the rest of my life. Sometimes I just wish I win the lottery so I can just travel, wear fancy clothes, buy and decorate an amazing house and have a good time for the rest of my life. And then, I read stuff about racism, women's rights, global warming, politics. And it pisses me off, and I want to do something about it. And it reminds me that life has so much more to offer than Mike Delfino and Desperate Housewives. I don't know what to do with my life, if I'll get a job, a husband, kids. But what I know for sure is that I have convictions and I want people to know about them. And that's what I think I want to do with my life. But, hey, I'm just 24.
I still have a shitload of issues to figure out
Daddy issues. Family drama. I would say the darkest years of my life are behind me - well, at least I hope so - but they are not that far behind. I'm still fighting demons and have skelletons in my closet. I fought depression and almost won the battle but I wouldn't say I am healed. I'd say I feel better. I got ups sometimes but I mostly have downs. But they are less deep than before. But I know that these demons are holding me back to enjoying my life as I should. I overthink random stuff and censor myself. I have a hardtime telling casual stuff to people, even to close friends whom I hurt pretty bad because for some reason I couldn't tell them I was going to New York in September, because in my world casual stuff can end up in World War III. I can't really open up to people - especially men - because in my world as well people are only there to hurt me. And in general, I have a really bad opinion of myself. I'm convinced other people's parents hate me, that I'm bad influence, that I'm good for nothing and nobody likes me. But at least now, I can put words on those feelings and treat them.
Armelle De Oliveira