I'm having a little hard time with life at the moment.
I started feeling down in January but thought it was just jet-lag, hormones, winter, whatever. And then I had this massive nosebleed in Istanbul when my sister was sleeping and I thought "oh, so anemia is back, that's why I've been feeling down". But it clearly wasn't just that. Followed a marathon of shifts, mostly overnight that left me completely drained. Winter was still there so this meant I barely saw light of day for a week and I paid the price for it. My circadian cycle was all over the place, I was so sleep deprived, my body didn't understand when was a good time to eat so I was on a two-meals-a-day diet, hungry all the time except when I actually had food in front of me. And then boom, my periods hit for the second time in three weeks. Something is wrong. My hormones are all over the place. And when hormones are all over the place, it shows up there. And things that shouldn't necessarily trigger me did: friends having dark thoughts needing help, podcasts about sexual assault, conflict with colleagues... And now I'm down. I have not been in such a dark place in more than a year. I made SO MUCH progress last year with dealing with my depression - even though social anxiety peaked as a result - but I feel like now is the right time after 5 years to make an appointment with my therapist. I feel like I am now ready to open up to her more than I ever did and finally fix the issue that's been killing me slowly for twenty years.
I know there are a lot of pictures and I always hated when bloggers did that but I need to be feeling myself at the moment.
Also look at my amazing brows. I went to the salon and the lady completely messed them up but I fixed them with my Benefit product.
Every year, I write in here that I want to switch things up a bit and be more present on YouTube. I guess that's it. It's my first ever lookbook and it's the first blog post of the year. I've been working hard on it and it would mean the world to me if you could just click on it even if you don't like it and close it after a few seconds. I just need your feedback and your support.
Here's the sum up of 2018: January: My grandfather unexpectedly passed away in early December. January was pretty tough because I was all by myself in London dealing with this. And by "all by myself" I really mean it. My family was in Paris, staying strong together; my friends went completely silent radio on me, no message of support, no calls, no nothing; I was having a tough time at work with my agressive boss and my housemate was still being extremely rude to me. I couldn't see the end of January...
February: I was laid off my job - they decided not to renew my contract, probably because me and my boss were all at war (and also because I sucked at this job to be honest). But thank goodness during that period, my dear friend Justine came to visit me and we went to Brighton. It felt good. It was the last time we saw each other before...
March: ... Miami ! See, when we say "God has a plan" He really has. If we didn't plan this trip months ago, I would've stayed in London, crying over losing my job and worrying about what next. Instead, we flew to Florida, went to the Bahamas, road tripped across the Sunshine state and completely deconnected (I might have posted a pic or two on Instagram haha). It was exactly what I needed, when I needed it.
April: I started training for this new job, but wasn't sure where that was going so I moved back to Paris mid-April. We buried my grand-father on my birthday.
May: And the following weekend, my most supportive friends (minus one but she was busy) drove to my country side house to celebrate my birthday. I was still a bit shaky following the burial but it was very nice to have them around and soak up the sun in laughter. I will never forget that they came, even if it was a long way, even if it did not sound like the best weekend ever.
Who knew that age 26 I will still learn a lesson on friendship and betrayal? Well, I still learned the hard way after my grand-father's passing that sometimes you can give EVERYTHING to you friends, be there for them during tough times, they will not necessarily be there for you when something terrible happens. So yes, my friends were still completely silent, except one. But I also learned a big lesson on loyalty on the first week of May and I have to admit that I am still really struggling with what happened. But hey yay I got the job and moved back to London !
June: I moved to a new house, not in my favorite neighborhood but hey, London's housing market is cray. The housemates were terrible - again - and it was freaking hot and loud in there ! I tried not to be disappointed and tried to see my friends as much as possible. I also started listening to all the ChristChurch London's podcasts on my iPhone. The rest was work work work work work work work...
July: World Cup ! All I can remember is night shifts, weekend shifts and world cup games ! Also, I remember the heat in London and how I did not shave because all I did was work sleep eat repeat, so it was a nightmare being in jeans in 35 degrees. Dammit patriarchy !
August: More World Cup and the big victory ! Woohoo ! I also got Kanye West'd by someone who thought it was clever to tell me that my anxiety and clinically diagnosed depression was a "choice" but hey France won the World Cup so suck it !
September: I moved back to East London, with grown ass men who did not know anything about cleaning and energy saving. Needless to say after a week I knew I'd need to move out - again. But I was closer to church and Syana and all the cool spots. I started a new job as well ! #GodProvides
October: My sister moved to the US and left me on the other side of the pond ! My new job turned out to be trickier for my mental wellbeing than I thought but as Avril Lavigne says "God keep my head above water !".
November: Moved into a new house share with cool housemates - not in my favorite part of London but that will do. Started watching Buffy again. Otherwise it was just me being busy with work.
December: I went back to Paris to see Michelle Obama but she cancelled on us because Bush senior died. So I got to spend some quality time with my family. And then it was Christmas, and then I flew to New York to be with my sis ! I also finished listening to all the podcasts available from my church on the podcast thing of the iPhone.
So yeah, the beginning of the year was pretty intense and tough but in the end, I tried to let go and just keep moving forward. I do not want to set goals. I just think I need to work on myself to let go of grudges I keep that keep pulling me back. I also need to let go of people, even if we had amazing years together, I don't need to have these years holding me back from cutting them off. And that will be the most difficult part, but I think it's time for me to look for a new church. The sense of belonging I had when I joined back in 2014 is fading, I now struggle each time a bit more with social anxiety when I go because I feel rejected. Let's see how this goes...
The world outside is a jungle and I am the weakest creature of the animal kingdom.
I can't take any decision by myself - including life changing ones.
For as long as I can remember, I hid behind my sister for such decisions.
She's the King Kong of the jungle - understand determined, wise but quick-tempered, sometimes a bully.
I can't say "no" for shit and it got me in really tough/awkward situations.
I hate myself for being the one who always tries to please everyone even if it means basically hurting myself.
I am being eaten alive in this jungle.
Being so weak is really crippling when you're working in my field. It is even worse when you're a blogger.
I never say to people they take shitty pictures of me because I do not to hurt them, but in the end, I'm paying the price for it because I post shitty pictures here and on social media.
In the blogging universe, you have to be a lion, ready to fight and conquer, and eat alive any concurrence.
If you're a sloth like me, you're not going anywhere.
I feel like I like trapping myself in this engrenage where I pick jobs where basically I'm going to suffer and suck.
Thank God for my sister, for Syana, Anoushka and Oriane who bear with me when I'm just a piece of shit in this jungle.
Dehors c'est la jungle et je suis la créature la plus faible du règne animal.
Je n'arrive jamais à prendre de décisions - surtout celles qui ont le pouvoir de changer le court de ma vie.
Quasiment toute ma vie je me suis planquée derrière ma soeur à chaque fois que ce genre de décisions devait être prise.
King Kong c'est elle, elle est déterminée, réfléchie même si parfois elle s'emporte vite, et elle a son côté tyran.
Je suis incapable de dire non et ça me met parfois dans des situations embarrassantes voire regrettables.
Je me déteste parfois parce que j'essaie toujours de faire plaisir à tout le monde même si ça me fait du mal.
Je me fais bouffer dans cette jungle.
Être aussi faible peut être super handicapant dans ma profession. Et c'est encore pire quand on est blogueuse.
Je n'ose jamais dire aux gens qui prennent des photos pourris qu'ils sont nuls parce que j'ai peur de les blesser et au final c'est moi qui en paye le prix quand je poste des photos nazes sur mon blog ou sur les réseaux sociaux.
Dans la blogosphère, il faut être un lion prêt à en découdre pour se faire sa place.
Si comme moi vous êtes en bas de la chaine alimentaire, vous êtes foutu.
J'ai l'impression que parfois je me sabote moi-même en m'orientant dans des milieus dans lesquels je vais être nulle et souffrir.
Je remercie le ciel pour avoir autour de moi des gens comme ma soeur, Syana, Anoushka et Oriane malgré le fait que je soi une sous-merde dans cette jungle.
Jacket Camaïeu / Top Pimkie / Pants Dr Denim / Boots &Other Stories / Belt Asos / Bag Primark / Necklace Zaful
Hier soir il y avait "Harry Potter et le Prisonnier d'Azkaban" à la télé. Je me suis dit qu'il était donc de bon ton de publier enfin ce petit look mignon qui relève de l'uniforme d'un élève de Poudlard en vacances déterminé à montrer les couleurs de sa maison: Gryffondor.
C'est un peu par hasard un matin que j'ai concocté cette tenue et j'ai tellement kiffé que je l'ai porté tout le temps: au boulot, à Brighton, à Oxford aka Poudlard.
J'ai acheté cette petite robe salopette en velours à Topshop après en avoir vu d'autres versions ailleurs mais surtout de moindre qualité chez Primark. Vu qu'il caillait encore sa mère à Londres jusqu'à il y a quelques jours, pas le choix, il fallait mettre des pulls. Et mon pull en laine d'alpaga shoppé en Bolivie faisait très bien l'affaire. Il me rappelle les pulls moches que la mère Weasley tricote à Noël. Ron, épouse moi !
Les couleurs de Gryffondor étant rouge et or, j'ai enfilé mon collant doré avec mes chaussettes Gryffondor, provenant de Primark Oxford Street. J'ai fourré mes Gallions, mes Noises et mes Mornilles dans ma besace Poudlard et ai mis le cap sur Oxford !
"Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban" was on TV last night so I figured I might as well post my Hogwarts uniform inspired outfit and show the colours of my house: Gryffindor.
I did not create this outfit on purpose but I loved it so much in the end, I wore it everywhere: at work, in Brighton, in Oxford aka Hogwarts.
I bought this cute corduroy dress in Topshop after seeing similar ones in other shops, the one from Primark was really poorly made. As London was absolutely freezing until recently, I had to wear a jumper underneath my dress. Mine I bought in Bolivia and is made of alpaca wool. It looks like mother Weasleyugly Christmas jumper, does not it ? Ron, marry me already. Gryffindor's colours are red and gold so here I am with my golden tights and Gryffindor socks I bought in Primark Oxford Street. I threw my Galleons, Sickles and Knuts in my Hogwarts saddlebag and hopped on a train to Oxford !
Bon, ce n'est plus un secret: je suis fan de One Direction. Les fans du boys band sont communément appelés "Directioner". Je suis donc une Directioner. Et comme dans toutes les communautés de fans, il y a des trucs un peu louches. Quand j'étais fan de Tokio Hotel pendant mon adolescence, on était un peu des tarés. On écrivait des fan fictions qui parfois partaient très TRES loins. Et quel a été mon étonnement quand 10 ans plus tard, je retrouve les mêmes genre de délires tordus avec les Directioners... One Direction est composé de 4 jeunes hommes (j'exclu délibérément Zayn, ce traître): Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson, Niall Horan et Liam Payne. Figurez-vous que certains Directioners ont établi une théorie du complot selon laquelle mon bébé chaton d'amour Harry Styles et Louis Tomlinson formeraient en réalité un couple et qu'ils essaient par tous les moyens de garder ça secret. Il y a des montagnes de vidéos YouTube, de fan fictions, de photo-montage douteux (ne cliquez jamais sur un MPREG) qui démontrent l'existence de ce couple. Même si aucun boys band n'est à l'abris d'une sortie de placard dans les prochaines années (coucou George Michael) et que parfois je m'interroge sur la sexualité de mon chéri Harry, je pense simplement qu'il s'agit d'une bonne vieille bromance entre les deux. Mais ils sont tellement chou que finalement... pourquoi pas ? Alors pour ceux qui sont longs à la détente: le nom de couple de Louis et Harry est Larry Stylinson. D'où mon sweatshirt.
Quand Zaful m'a contacté pour tester leurs produits, j'ai parcouru leur site de long en large. J'avais d'abord trouvé un t-shirt trop mignon "Tumblr, Food, Sleep & Harry Styles" mais au moment de ma commande on m'a informé qu'il était sold-out. Je me suis donc rabattue sur ce sweatshirt. Il est arrivé environ un mois après ma commande. Je l'ai pris en taille L parce que Zaful est un site asiatique donc je fais très peu confiance au système de taille qui ne correspond jamais au système de taille occidental. Il est un peu court au niveau des manches parce que je suis géante mais le reste va. Mais bon, clairement le site ne s'adresse pas à toutes les morphologies quand je suis obligée de prendre du L... J'ai décidé de casser le côté fangirl du sweat avec un look de working woman et je suis plutôt satisfaite du rendu !
Well, it’s no longer a secret: I am a Directioner - ie a fan of One Direction. Directioners, just like any different fan base are sometimes into really weird and kinky stuff. When I was a die hard fan of Tokio Hotel, I remember we were all nuts on some different levels. We would write really perplexing fan fictions, sometimes they would go too far. What a surprise, ten years later, to find the same weird batshit crazy stuff within the One Directionfan base… One Direction is made of 4 young men (I am deliberately not counting that traitor Zayn): Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson, Niall Horan et Liam Payne. Well, it seems like some Directioners are digging some conspiracy theory that ma baby love Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson are actually in a relationship and trying the best to keep it secret. There are shit ton of YouTube videos, fan fictions and hardcore photomontages (never EVER look at an MPREG) documenting the alleged relationship. Boys band history proves that a late coming out is more than plausible (hello George Michael) and I myself sometimes question my baby love Harry’s sexuality but I actually genuinely think it’s just a random bromance between those two. They are however so cute that in the end… why not ? For those in the back who did not pay attention: Louis and Harry’s couple name is Larry Stylinson. Hence my sweatshirt.
When Zaful reached out to me to test their services and products, I went through their entire website. I first had a massive crush on a cute shirt that read "Tumblr, Food, Sleep & Harry Styles" but it was sold out by the time I made the order. Depressing, I know. So I made do with this sweatshirt. It arrived approximately a month after I placed the order. I ordered a size L because I know Zaful is an Asian website and I do not trust their size chart which is nothing like ours. The sleeves are a little too short for me but hey I am a giant stick so… But clearly, not all body types can order from that website if the skinny bitch that I am has to order size L. That’s a shame. In order not to go full fan girl with that sweatshirt I decided to dress it up as a working woman outfit. I am unemployed at the moment but I love how it looks.
Mi juillet, j'ai mis le cap sur la Sardaigne pour la semaine avec mon père et ma petite soeur. Nous avions une petite maison sur les falaises de Costa Paradiso, cité balnéaire calme entre Porto Torres et Santa Teresa. Nos journées se résumaient à réveil tardif, petit déjeuner, chill, déjeuner tardif, sieste, plage, dîner, UNO, dodo. Tout ce dont je rêvais depuis des mois ! J'ai mis quelques aperçus sur Instagram. Un jour, pour casser la routine, mon père nous a levé aux aurores, (9h, la torture) pour mettre le cap sur Alghero. Après une heure et demie de route et de gros flips (les Italiens conduisent N'IMPORTE COMMENT) nous sommes arrivés. La première impression que j'ai eu c'est combien Alghero ressemble à Nice. Il y a une longue promenade le long de la plage... Nous sommes arrivés à l'heure pour le déjeuner et avons avalé une pizza dans le restaurant "Ristorante Pizzeria Ramblas". On a attendu des plombes pour des mets plutôt banales. Clairement, on avait faim, on a vu une pizzeria avec vue sur la mer, on n'a pas réfléchis. A noter tout de même que le restaurant proposait des plats et pizzas végétariens et vegans. Après avoir réglé, on a repéré un glacier juste à côté où on a dégusté des glaces avant de prendre la direction de la fameuse "muraglia" d'Alghero, la muraille romaine de la ville. Elle se trouve près du port et entoure la vieille ville qui ressemble à s'y méprendre à la vieille ville de Nice. J'ai mitraillé de photos tellement c'était beau, les façades colorées des bâtiments, les allées pavées, les églises... Il venait d'y avoir le tour d'Italie alors tout était décoré de vélos roses. C'était super mignon ! La vue depuis le haut de la muraille était splendide. On ressort de la vieille ville serein et apaisé. Après ça, nous avons repris la route vers la Grotte de Neptune - Grotta di Nettuno, une grotte naturelle découverte au 19ème siècle au nom du dieu de la Mer. Il faisait presque 40°, et nous avons descendu et remonté les quelques 650 marches pour atteindre l'entrée. Après, il faut payer 13€ par tête pour visiter l'intérieur. C'est clairement un attrape touriste mais bon, nous l'avons fait. La grotte est aussi accessible en bateau mais ça, c'est encore plus un attrape touriste. Sur le retour, nous nous sommes arrêté à la plage Sppiagia della Pelosa. C'était très beau. Et c'est là que j'ai appris le décès de Chester Bennington. Après cette superbe journée, ça m'a complètement mis le moral à zéro. D'autant plus que j'ai passé les 2 heures suivantes à me faire engueuler par mon père parce que j'ai conduit sur le retour. Mais en tout cas, je recommande la ville d'Alghero si vous êtes de passage en Sardaigne.
Je porte un kimono vintage, un collier Zaful, un top Brandy Melville, un short American Apparel et des sandales Aldo via Asos.
Trials and tribulation of a young woman born and raised in Paris. Welcome to the diary of an adulescent sensitive to the Y generation culture, edgy fashion expert, music lover, tv shows binge watcher, globe trotter, Anglo-Saxon culture addict, movie fan, environmentally aware vegetarian, strong feminist and wannabe Gryffindor's heir.
