I'm having a little hard time with life at the moment.
I started feeling down in January but thought it was just jet-lag, hormones, winter, whatever. And then I had this massive nosebleed in Istanbul when my sister was sleeping and I thought "oh, so anemia is back, that's why I've been feeling down". But it clearly wasn't just that. Followed a marathon of shifts, mostly overnight that left me completely drained. Winter was still there so this meant I barely saw light of day for a week and I paid the price for it. My circadian cycle was all over the place, I was so sleep deprived, my body didn't understand when was a good time to eat so I was on a two-meals-a-day diet, hungry all the time except when I actually had food in front of me. And then boom, my periods hit for the second time in three weeks. Something is wrong. My hormones are all over the place. And when hormones are all over the place, it shows up there. And things that shouldn't necessarily trigger me did: friends having dark thoughts needing help, podcasts about sexual assault, conflict with colleagues... And now I'm down. I have not been in such a dark place in more than a year. I made SO MUCH progress last year with dealing with my depression - even though social anxiety peaked as a result - but I feel like now is the right time after 5 years to make an appointment with my therapist. I feel like I am now ready to open up to her more than I ever did and finally fix the issue that's been killing me slowly for twenty years.
I know there are a lot of pictures and I always hated when bloggers did that but I need to be feeling myself at the moment.
Also look at my amazing brows. I went to the salon and the lady completely messed them up but I fixed them with my Benefit product.
Every year, I write in here that I want to switch things up a bit and be more present on YouTube. I guess that's it. It's my first ever lookbook and it's the first blog post of the year. I've been working hard on it and it would mean the world to me if you could just click on it even if you don't like it and close it after a few seconds. I just need your feedback and your support.
Here's the sum up of 2018: January: My grandfather unexpectedly passed away in early December. January was pretty tough because I was all by myself in London dealing with this. And by "all by myself" I really mean it. My family was in Paris, staying strong together; my friends went completely silent radio on me, no message of support, no calls, no nothing; I was having a tough time at work with my agressive boss and my housemate was still being extremely rude to me. I couldn't see the end of January...
February: I was laid off my job - they decided not to renew my contract, probably because me and my boss were all at war (and also because I sucked at this job to be honest). But thank goodness during that period, my dear friend Justine came to visit me and we went to Brighton. It felt good. It was the last time we saw each other before...
March: ... Miami ! See, when we say "God has a plan" He really has. If we didn't plan this trip months ago, I would've stayed in London, crying over losing my job and worrying about what next. Instead, we flew to Florida, went to the Bahamas, road tripped across the Sunshine state and completely deconnected (I might have posted a pic or two on Instagram haha). It was exactly what I needed, when I needed it.
April: I started training for this new job, but wasn't sure where that was going so I moved back to Paris mid-April. We buried my grand-father on my birthday.
May: And the following weekend, my most supportive friends (minus one but she was busy) drove to my country side house to celebrate my birthday. I was still a bit shaky following the burial but it was very nice to have them around and soak up the sun in laughter. I will never forget that they came, even if it was a long way, even if it did not sound like the best weekend ever.
Who knew that age 26 I will still learn a lesson on friendship and betrayal? Well, I still learned the hard way after my grand-father's passing that sometimes you can give EVERYTHING to you friends, be there for them during tough times, they will not necessarily be there for you when something terrible happens. So yes, my friends were still completely silent, except one. But I also learned a big lesson on loyalty on the first week of May and I have to admit that I am still really struggling with what happened. But hey yay I got the job and moved back to London !
June: I moved to a new house, not in my favorite neighborhood but hey, London's housing market is cray. The housemates were terrible - again - and it was freaking hot and loud in there ! I tried not to be disappointed and tried to see my friends as much as possible. I also started listening to all the ChristChurch London's podcasts on my iPhone. The rest was work work work work work work work...
July: World Cup ! All I can remember is night shifts, weekend shifts and world cup games ! Also, I remember the heat in London and how I did not shave because all I did was work sleep eat repeat, so it was a nightmare being in jeans in 35 degrees. Dammit patriarchy !
August: More World Cup and the big victory ! Woohoo ! I also got Kanye West'd by someone who thought it was clever to tell me that my anxiety and clinically diagnosed depression was a "choice" but hey France won the World Cup so suck it !
September: I moved back to East London, with grown ass men who did not know anything about cleaning and energy saving. Needless to say after a week I knew I'd need to move out - again. But I was closer to church and Syana and all the cool spots. I started a new job as well ! #GodProvides
October: My sister moved to the US and left me on the other side of the pond ! My new job turned out to be trickier for my mental wellbeing than I thought but as Avril Lavigne says "God keep my head above water !".
November: Moved into a new house share with cool housemates - not in my favorite part of London but that will do. Started watching Buffy again. Otherwise it was just me being busy with work.
December: I went back to Paris to see Michelle Obama but she cancelled on us because Bush senior died. So I got to spend some quality time with my family. And then it was Christmas, and then I flew to New York to be with my sis ! I also finished listening to all the podcasts available from my church on the podcast thing of the iPhone.
So yeah, the beginning of the year was pretty intense and tough but in the end, I tried to let go and just keep moving forward. I do not want to set goals. I just think I need to work on myself to let go of grudges I keep that keep pulling me back. I also need to let go of people, even if we had amazing years together, I don't need to have these years holding me back from cutting them off. And that will be the most difficult part, but I think it's time for me to look for a new church. The sense of belonging I had when I joined back in 2014 is fading, I now struggle each time a bit more with social anxiety when I go because I feel rejected. Let's see how this goes...
Cozy outfit we shot back in mid-September, during the Indian summer in London. The story behind those pics is how we got catcalled by boys who were no more than 15 while we were shooting in the streets of Hackney, how they got mad we didn't answer and called us "cunts" and they followed us and told me I was too ugly to get men interested anyways. Oh boy, so much for #metoo... See how young boys start disrespecting, harassing and abuse women. Even grown ass women like us. How come some still struggle to understand that educating boys is something that we MUST address to fix many issues that affect women - and men (hello toxic masculinity) - everywhere in the world nowadays? Smh...
Petit look confort shooté il y a déjà quelques mois en plein été indien à Londres. L'histoire ne dit pas qu'alors que nous shootions, des petits mecs d'environs 15 piges nous ont hélé et nous ont insulté de salopes car nous ne leur avions pas répondu. Ils nous ont ensuite suivi et m'ont dit que de toute façon j'étais trop moche pour intéresser les homes. Bienvenue dans l'ère #metoo. Voyez comment les jeunes garçons commencent très tôt à manquer de respect, à harceler et à abuser des femmes? Et certains pensent toujours que l'éducation des garçons n'est pas primordiale pour palier les problèmes auxquelles les femmes - et les hommes à travers la masculinité toxique - font face à travers le monde...
I loved this coat from Topshop when it hit the stores but as I mentioned before, Indian summer didn't help getting into the chilly autumn vibe so I wore it with a Zara dress I already wore here. I only wore this dress less than ten times and the stitches started to come off, so I gave it away to charity. In 2019, I'm going to try to explain myself more about this but I am SO done with fast fashion. This year has been eye opening to me. So fast fashion, and those #metoo allegations that hit Topshop were red flags for me so I returned the coat. Bye.
J'ai tout de suite craqué pour ce manteau Topshop quand il est arrivé en boutique. Mais bon, comme je disais, à cause de l'été indien, c'était difficile de passer en mode automne pour le porté donc je l'ai mis avec cette petite robe de chez Zara que vous avez déjà vu ici. Et pour l'avoir porté moins d'une dizaine de fois, quel seum j'avais quand j'ai vu que les coutures se défaisaient et qu'elle tombait en lambeau... Je jeté dans une benne à vêtements. En 2019, j'essaierai de m'exprimer davantage et de vous expliquer pour j'en ai terminé avec la fast fashion. Ca a été ma révélation de l'année. Donc entre ça et Topshop pris par la vague #metoo, j'ai décidé de rendre le manteau. Bye.
Me voilà de retour avec un look qui n'est pas du tout de saison puisqu'il a été pris en photo par ma soeur de visite à Londres en Septembre... Il faisait alors encore très chaud à Londres. On va pas se mentir, on est en Décembre et les températures sont encore extrêmement douces outre-Manche #climatechange. Bon, pas de là à sortir en brassière hein !
Je tenais absolument à shooter ces chaussures Asics Gel dont j'ai oublié la référence. Je les ai gagné grace à Anoushka il y a de ça un an, elles sont trop petites pour moi donc de la bonne taille pour ma soeur. Je lui avais donc promis de les lui donner. C'est désormais chose faite !
La brassière Calvin Klein je l'ai shoppé pour trois fois rien à Ross à Miami. Le manteau et le mom jeans viennent de chez Topshop.
I'm back with a new outfit which is not really season appropriate as we shot it with my sister back in September when she was visiting. It was quite warm back then in London. Let's be honest, it's December now and the temperatures are still really warm #climatechange. Well it's not warm enough to go outside only wearing a bra.
I really wanted to shoot those Asics sneakers that I won thanks to Anoushka a year ago or so. They don't fit me but do fit my sister so I promised to give them to her after I shot them which we only did just now. Now, she has them.
I bought the Calvin Klein bra in Ross in Miami. The coat and mom jeans are from Topshop.
A leur où j'écris cet article sachez que Chaima et moi nous disputons à coup de notes vocales interposées sur quelle est la pire série entre Pretty Little Liars et Riverdale. Riverdale est clairement pété comparé à Pretty Little Liars on est d'accord?
As I am writing this blog post, be aware that Chaima and I are currently fighting on messenger and sending each other voice messages trying to convince one another that Riverdale sucks more than Pretty Little Liars. Pretty Little Liars is WAY BETTER than Riverdale, amirite?
The world outside is a jungle and I am the weakest creature of the animal kingdom.
I can't take any decision by myself - including life changing ones.
For as long as I can remember, I hid behind my sister for such decisions.
She's the King Kong of the jungle - understand determined, wise but quick-tempered, sometimes a bully.
I can't say "no" for shit and it got me in really tough/awkward situations.
I hate myself for being the one who always tries to please everyone even if it means basically hurting myself.
I am being eaten alive in this jungle.
Being so weak is really crippling when you're working in my field. It is even worse when you're a blogger.
I never say to people they take shitty pictures of me because I do not to hurt them, but in the end, I'm paying the price for it because I post shitty pictures here and on social media.
In the blogging universe, you have to be a lion, ready to fight and conquer, and eat alive any concurrence.
If you're a sloth like me, you're not going anywhere.
I feel like I like trapping myself in this engrenage where I pick jobs where basically I'm going to suffer and suck.
Thank God for my sister, for Syana, Anoushka and Oriane who bear with me when I'm just a piece of shit in this jungle.
Dehors c'est la jungle et je suis la créature la plus faible du règne animal.
Je n'arrive jamais à prendre de décisions - surtout celles qui ont le pouvoir de changer le court de ma vie.
Quasiment toute ma vie je me suis planquée derrière ma soeur à chaque fois que ce genre de décisions devait être prise.
King Kong c'est elle, elle est déterminée, réfléchie même si parfois elle s'emporte vite, et elle a son côté tyran.
Je suis incapable de dire non et ça me met parfois dans des situations embarrassantes voire regrettables.
Je me déteste parfois parce que j'essaie toujours de faire plaisir à tout le monde même si ça me fait du mal.
Je me fais bouffer dans cette jungle.
Être aussi faible peut être super handicapant dans ma profession. Et c'est encore pire quand on est blogueuse.
Je n'ose jamais dire aux gens qui prennent des photos pourris qu'ils sont nuls parce que j'ai peur de les blesser et au final c'est moi qui en paye le prix quand je poste des photos nazes sur mon blog ou sur les réseaux sociaux.
Dans la blogosphère, il faut être un lion prêt à en découdre pour se faire sa place.
Si comme moi vous êtes en bas de la chaine alimentaire, vous êtes foutu.
J'ai l'impression que parfois je me sabote moi-même en m'orientant dans des milieus dans lesquels je vais être nulle et souffrir.
Je remercie le ciel pour avoir autour de moi des gens comme ma soeur, Syana, Anoushka et Oriane malgré le fait que je soi une sous-merde dans cette jungle.
Jacket Camaïeu / Top Pimkie / Pants Dr Denim / Boots &Other Stories / Belt Asos / Bag Primark / Necklace Zaful
Bon à la base j'avais shooté ce look pour vous présenter une façon de se sapper comme jaja pour le Nouvel An. Mais vu que je suis une flemmarde de ouf, j'ai jamais fait ça. Et aujourd'hui c'est mon anniversaire alors je fais ce que je veux. T'as qu'à te dire que c'est une idée de tenue de soirée d'anniversaire. Voilà. Y a des sapins de Noël dans le décor, tu vas faire quoi ?
I really wanted to publish an "New Years outfit ideas" post in December but got lazy and it never happened. And since today's ma birthday and idgaf, I decided to publish the pics. Take it as a "birthday party outfit ideas" post. Do not mind the Christmas trees in the background ok. Bye.
Jacket Adidas x Hypebeast / Bra Shaka Ponk x Undiz / Skirt Monki / Boots Zara
Trials and tribulation of a young woman born and raised in Paris. Welcome to the diary of an adulescent sensitive to the Y generation culture, edgy fashion expert, music lover, tv shows binge watcher, globe trotter, Anglo-Saxon culture addict, movie fan, environmentally aware vegetarian, strong feminist and wannabe Gryffindor's heir.
