10 QUESTIONS TO REFLECT ON THE LAST YEAR

I watched Zoe's video with this tag on and decided to give it a go.

1. Where were you this time last year?

This time last year I started working on a big professional project. At the time, I was very happy that my former boss called me to join this very interesting project, I was grateful that I did not even had to look for a job and that I wouldn't have to worry for the next six months. We also had a wonderful news in the family, everyone was excited and genuinely happy.

Une publication partagée par Armelle De Oliveira (@caeteramoda) le 11 Janv. 2017 à 2 :31 PST

2. Where are you now?

I am now in London after crying myself to bed for years because I was sad I left the city. I am not as happy as I was last year. The year was tough, the project I worked on drained my energy and left me emotionally vulnerable. Leaving Paris for London in fall was a fresh start but turned into a nightmare. I am only beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I hope everything will be fine in the end. Even though it might mean me going back to Paris.

Une publication partagée par Armelle De Oliveira (@caeteramoda) le 13 Janv. 2018 à 3 :57 PST

3. If you could describe the year in three words, what would they be?

As I mentioned earlier, 2017 was tough. It was not completely bad or overwhelmingly good. It was tough. It was enlightening as at age 25 again I got to open my eyes on fake friends and negative people - including family - in my life. I guess this shit never stops. I guess I'll get disappointed by people again in the future. I thought me cutting people out of my life at the first mistake would enable me to keep only the good relationships in my life. But sometimes even these turn sour and that I learnt this year. But on a good note, this year was fun. I got to do stuff outside of my comfort zone, like being a supervisor for teenagers on a ski trip abroad, I backpacked through Bolivia, drank too many tequila shots and spoke Spanish in Barcelona, interviewed people and grow through their stories, learned more about Paris, took over Asos snapchat account for a day, went to Lollapalooza, went on holidays with the fam which did not happen in years, spent hours on Tumblr to send funny stuff to my partner in crime... It was fun. Tough but fun. I would add also that it was pretty quiet. I allowed myself to turn down social gatherings if I did not feel like it and it was amazing. I kind of turned into a grandma, just doing my thing in my bedroom, watching movies, playing The Sims, listening to music and now and then meet up with my hometown friends for wine and cheese. I liked that.

Une publication partagée par Armelle De Oliveira (@caeteramoda) le 14 Mai 2017 à 5 :53 PDT

4. What are you grateful for?

I am grateful for work. When I decided to pursue my dream of becoming a journalist, I knew it was part of the deal that I might end up unemployed. But thank God, I've never been in-between jobs for too long - just long enough to go on holidays and play the Sims. And if moving to London is part of the job then it's a dream come true.

Une publication partagée par Armelle De Oliveira (@caeteramoda) le 18 Avril 2017 à 1 :18 PDT

5. What goals did you accomplish?

I would say move back to London. It was not something I specifically set up for 2017 but still something that has been on my mind for YEARS. Ever since I left pretty much. Otherwise all the other goals I set up for 2017 failed miserably. 

Une publication partagée par Armelle De Oliveira (@caeteramoda) le 31 Déc. 2017 à 9 :19 PST

6. What goals did you not accomplish?

I did not reach my secret goal to get 5K followers on IG by the 31st of December. That's my biggest disappointment because to be honest I was really close. But then with all the changes in my life in late 2017, I did not had time to post or engage on Instagram anymore. And I did not want to. I was completely confused and rejected social media and its tiring concept of having a perfect life, a perfect house, a perfect job, a perfect lunch, a perfect boyfriend, a perfect dog, a perfect body,  a perfect social life... So I kind of disconnected and then not reached my 5K goal.

Une publication partagée par Armelle De Oliveira (@caeteramoda) le 21 Sept. 2017 à 3 :29 PDT

7. What brought the most joy in 2017?

This wonderful family news.

8. What new habits have you acquired?

I am not really a girl who has habits. 

9. What old habits are you leaving?

See question 8.

10. What do you want to achieve in 2018?

I did not set myself goals to reach in 2018. I am not good at fulfilling them. I just want to keep doing my thing, being a grandma and carefully selecting the people I allow in my life. 

Une publication partagée par Armelle De Oliveira (@caeteramoda) le 3 Oct. 2017 à 3 :51 PDT

Feel free to use the tag and share your thoughts with me !

Armelle De Oliveira

OUTFIT | EVERYTHING THAT SHINES AIN'T ALWAYS GONNA BE GOLD

"I'm on the pursuit of happiness"... Who isn't? There is not a single day I do not ask myself "are you truly happy?". The alternative to this question is "how much do you want to kill yourself today?". It is no longer a secret - I have talked about it many times on my blog - I have been struggling with depression and suicidal tendencies for more than ten years. I now deal with these illnesses way better than few years ago but still, everyday, I have this little voice in my head telling me "you're not happy, you can go anywhere, you'll never be happy, you're always going to be sad and depressed so you might as well end it now".

I attended a couple of months ago a screening of the film "Get Out" followed by a Q&A with various people from the film industry with an activist background ie everything I love. We discussed the "sunken place" represented in the film. How sometimes, something triggers us and lets us sink in our very own "sunken place". It was eye opening to me. How everyday I let myself sink in the "sunken place". Usually my own thoughts drag me down there but more often social interactions trigger me as well. I can't remember the number of times I simply blacked out during a conversation because someone innocently said something that made me feel like shit. Social interactions are the worst. People are no longer honest with each other. It is now a big mascarade where everyone just pretend they're living the best life, are happy in every single aspect of your life. Everyone is competing to be the one having the most perfect life. And I'm just standing there feeling like shit. Even though I know this is all fake and pretending, I still feel like shit. Even though I know my life is not the worst, I still feel like shit. I am very lucid on all of this and I still feel like shit. I am trapped in my "sunken place". But I ain't buying all the fairy dust that people are throwing to make there life seem more appealing than it truly is. I am pretty confident in the fact that we are all trapped in our very own "sunken places". We are all on the pursuit of happiness.

Silver Shearling Jacket Topshop / Velvet Top Vintage Pimkie / Belt Asos / Jeans Weekday / Boots André

Armelle De Oliveira

Photographs: Amélia

OUTFIT | BAD INFLUENCE

J'ai toujours eu peur de rencontrer les parents de mes potes. Jusqu'à aujourd'hui c'est quelque chose qui m'angoisse. Même avec les parents qui me connaissent bien. Parfois je préférais attendre mes potes dans la rue, limite en me cachant, que de sonner chez eux et de devoir parler à leurs parents. Pourquoi? Parce que j'avais peur qu'ils me perçoivent comme la nana qui a mauvaise influence sur leurs enfants. J'avais l'impression qu'ils voyaient clairs dans mon jeu quand je venais chercher mes potes avant d'aller en soirée, qu'ils savaient qu'il y aurait de l'alcool, possiblement de la drogue, des garçons, des filles, des personnes peu fréquentables, qu'on allait faire des conneries en soit. Et j'avais peur qu'ils assimilent le développement de pratiques déviantes à mon arrivée dans la vie de leurs enfants. Alors qu'en fait, on ne va pas se mentir, même si j'avais un comportement "déviant", bien souvent, mes potes m'entraînaient dans des plans bien plus craignos que dans des trucs que j'aurais pu proposer. Comme n'importe quel ado, j'ai cherché et testé mes limites, souvent en faisant des choses borderline dangereuses. Mais je ne pense pas avoir vraiment été une mauvaise influence sur quelqu'un. Au contraire, bien souvent j'ai été la voix de la raison - un peu casse couille - quand je sentais qu'une situation tournait au vinaigre. Et pourtant je n'arrive pas à me défaire de ce sentiment que peut-être les parents de me pote me perçoivent comme une mauvaise influence. Le pire, c'est que je suis consciente qu'ils pensent tout le contraire de ça. Mais j'ai toujours cette boule au ventre quand je les rencontre, comme si sur mon front il y avait écrit en énorme, en rouge: "mauvaise influence".

Sweat-shirt WEEKDAY / Pants H&M / Shoes T.U.K. Footwear

Armelle De Oliveira
Photos: Syana

MUSIC | FALL 2017 PLAYLIST

Enter Shikari - The Revolt Of The Atoms

After months of mastering the art of teasing, Enter Shikari finally released their new album "The Spark". It is clearly a new beginning for the band who left behind its screamo/electronica vibe to go towards something more pop but not mainstream pop, more like 80s pop. It sounds like Depeche Mode had some weird baby with . Lyrically, Rou Reynolds is still there to put us in a revolutionary mood, to feel empowered in changing the world (I mean fucking listen to "Take My Country Back" and tell me you're not ready to fuck shit up!). I finally got to see them live in early December, I was front row, determined to make eye contact with the members of the band who helped me go through very tough times ("Undercover Agents" came out at the time I was really struggling with social media and I felt understood thanks to the lyrics). It was absolutely terrific but a little bit too short and not enough interaction with the audience. I definitely want to catch them in a festival to hear them play their biggest hits. Especially since I fell in love all over again with old tunes I forgot about while prepping for the show, tunes including "We Can Breathe In Space", "Quelle Surprise" and other bangers from "Take It To The Skies" and "A Flash Flood Of Colour".

I See Stars - Ten Thousand Feet

Spotify sensed my love for emo and added this song to my Daily Mix and I absolutely L O V E it. It has this Asking Alexandria vibe and the teenage-like voice is everything. I feel grown up but like a teenager still. This song sure gives me moshpit envies, no matter my age.

While She Sleeps - Hurricane

More emo songs thanks to Spotify ! I mean the lyrics, the A7X voice plus that vintage Escape The Fate-like guitar line brings me back straight to 2006. Too bad the lyrics still speak to me ten years later.

Post Malone - rockstar ft. 21 Savage

I discovered that song on Spotify and immediately loved the vibe and the instrumental. I had no idea it was the biggest hit at the moment until I saw everybody using it on Instagram ha I'm so disconnected from mainstream music (says the girl who adds mainstream songs to her playlist). Plus I just found out the singer is a white dude. I pictured him more like Future in my head hahaha

OrelSan - Basique

Ok. Let's take one minute just to mention how astonishing this video is. And shoutout to whoever did this instrumental. Thank you Orelsan for making me shake my booty on such depressing lyrics. I miss Stromae.

Lomepal - Yeux Disent

French rap is dominated by white boys and their fragility really speak to my heart. I always said I like myself some white mama's boy who pretends he's from the hood...

Disiz - Menteur Menteuse

I told you last season that I fell in love with Disiz new album which many people disliked for some reason... This song was my go-to shower song. I almost used the lyrics to fill the legend of my Instagram pictures but I'm not that girl. Or am I ?

Corneille - Avec Classe

My interest in rediscovering French music led me to rekindle my love for French r'n'b like songs from Corneille. However, this video is wrong on so many levels. Hello street harassment ! So many videos glamorised this behavior back then...

Petit Biscuit - Sunset Lover (Clement Bazin Remix)

At some point I had to mourn summer and this was pretty useful. French electronic music never ceases to amaze me to be honest.

Mura Masa - Messy Love

Mourning summer is also easier with Mura Masa. But can summer come back now ? I'll keep playing this song, I swear !

Baba Stiltz - Baby

Another song for summer mourning. You're welcome.

Hans Zimmer - True Romance Main Theme

I watched True Romance last month. It was considered a cult 90s movie recommended by Vogue editors so I thought I would give it a shot as the TV shows I am watching are oh so boring. A what a movie it was ! The story is completely fucked up but the general vibe is so light. As light as this soundtrack which feels like spending Christmas somewhere exotic. Magical !

Clean Bandit - Rockabye ft. Sean Paul and Anne-Marie

I shazamed this song in Monki, Westfield Stratford, fitting rooms. Sean Paul is old and so am I.

Michael Jackson feat. Janet Jackson - Scream

Between Halloween and Zendaya looking like a Jackson sibling dressed in aluminum silver for In Style, I had to listen to that song in Fall. Also this videoclip is amazing: the dancing, the acting, the anger, the love between them too and the outfits !

Siouxsie And The Banshees - Cities in Dust

Speaking of Halloween... I discovered this song in one of Urban Outfitters' Halloween playlist and I feel like I missed on life not knowing this song nor this band before.

Lady Gaga - Heavy Metal Lover

I had this argument with my friends over the ranking of Lady Gaga's albums. Here's mine: 1. The Fame; 2. The Fame Monster; 3. ARTPOP. My friend said Born This Way was better than ARTPOP and I was like "na-ha". Born This Way has a few bangers - "Edge of Glory", "Government Hooker", "Americano", "Scheise", "You And I" - but the rest of the songs all sound the same or are pretty boring. But I did give another shot at Born This Way and now "Heavy Metal Lover" is one of my favorites. Still, ARTPOP is better than Born This Way. Period.

Miley Cyrus - Drive

At some point this season, I remembered how much I loved Bangerz when it came out and gave it another listen. This song is so 2013 it hurts.

DUA LIPA - New Rules

I know I'm late at catching this train, I saw Leanne's obsession with this song all summer long but you know how I am when things get overhyped... I'm now super hyped and danced my ass off to this song at my job's Christmas party ! I wish I had Dua Lipa to teach me these rules when boys were playing with me though. Good thing in the end that men are trash and I don't date or try to anymore.

AFI - 17 Crimes

Well... It's not completely true. Do not ask me why but few beers, few shots, and this AFI song I heard twice in my life managed to let down my guard. I'm weak. Especially since when Crashlove came out I absolutely despised it - and I still do - and this song plus its ridiculous video did not get me love. But I keep listening to it now. Maybe just to keep in touch with that night's feeling.

A$AP Rocky - L$D

Just hold me. I do not need beer or tequila shot to let down my guard with this track I rediscovered in an Urban Outfitters playlist. A$ap is not a very good looking guy but daaaamn that sex appeal. HOLD. ME.

Childish Gambino - Redbone

The first week-end after I moved back to London, I went to a screening of Get Out followed by a Q&A. I completely forgot that this song was in the movie. It makes me want to cook for my boyfriend on a cold winter Sunday morning and then cuddle under warm blankets. But I can't cook and I don't have a boyfriend so... I guess I'll just rewatch Donald's performance on The Tonight Show.

Talking Heads - Psycho Killer

For some reason, many people when I tell them I'm French instantaneously start singing this song. Is there an international urban legend that says you can pick up French girls by whispering "fa fa fa fa" in their ears ? Because, I mean, NO.

2017 Spotify year in music

My favorite artists were Enter Shikari (duh) Lady Gaga, Bring Me The Horizon, oh hello Avril Lavigne and frog prince Ed Sheeran. Favorite songs and I'm a proud are "Never Enough" by One Direction (my good mood song), "Supercharge" by Enter Shikari, "Touch" by Little Mix, "Rabble Rouser" by Enter Shikari; and Don Broco's "Everybody". Spotify says I listened to music for 42 271 minutes, played 4 283 songs by 2 037 different artists and even though it seems I'm into any kind of pop really I explored 51 different music genres. Who's the basic bitch now ?

Armelle De Oliveira